blogONEWhile lying in my bed in delusion and paranoia, I was contemplating whether I should write a blog post of an email from God. I would’ve condemned myself for my sins, and ultimately justify that my current health status is due punishment from above, and a reminder that I am not in control.
Last night, there were major mis-communications and mis-information…or more of mis-understandings than anything, about ACC/ACF. Having the “culture” card played again by CC execs, there was a whole frustration brewing in the air. What I understood in the beginning, from talks with Adam, was that the “Asian outreach branch” of CC would be specifically targeting the Asian community. Dennis, Gerald and I would be leading this CG and we’d be reaching out to the Asian community. So the question begs to be asked, To my understanding…it isn’t different at all! To my understanding, the “Asian branch” and ACC would be the exact same thing. However, we planned for ACC to be run differently than CC, mainly due to cultural differences.
And so began my frustration and panic for the night. My chest tightened, worry and panic ensued in my mind, and I started to feel sick in the stomach. All these…were signs that it wasn’t God’s Will for me to lead. No, I may have felt a calling…but if I can get this restless over these things, it is not God’s Will (many of you may beg to differ and ask how exactly do we know what His Will is). If the same problems,the same issues, continuously pop-up…is this significant?
A pastor from another church spoke to the Chinese congregation yesterday, and I think it is very significant in what I am experiencing. He said,
If we are called by God to help in ministry, we will do it in joy, happiness… but if it is from our own desires (our own will), we will become restless at the smallest of things. We will also see that there are a lot of problems in starting or maintaining the ministry.
So for the entire night, my mind was in overdrive again…dreams (visions? temptations?) about CC and some of the people haunted me throughout the night; I woke every hour in the night with chills. When it was time to wake up to prepare for driver’s ed, I felt really nauseous…and as I’d have it, North and South came out to play. And so I missed my first class of driver’s ed; I don’t know if I’ll miss the second day as well…but thank goodness I can reschedule them. The bad news is that it will have to be in late August - hey, I’m not too itching to drive I guess. And so I drank water and got more rest…but in each hour, whatever water inputted into my system was released exponentially. Each hour. But I must admit, my stomach is at much more peace now, as is my mind and spirit.
I have a brief understanding that it might actually be a sign from God to step away from planning ACC/ACF, and focus on my studies in second year. I’m not sure if this also applies to The Project, previously mentioned, but if that is also the case…so be it.
Humble me and guide me in all of Your ways. May You keep me from stumbling and thwart any of my attempts to bring glory to myself through You, even if I may not know this explicitly.