blogONE

You.

I don’t know much about you, but I wish that I could. I don’t know if there was really any chemistry between you and I. I like you, I believe I do…but a problem I face are my stupid questions and logical thoughts of whether I truly do like you. I hate myself for these instances of hesitance and double thinking for something that could be so clear-cut.

Whenever we meet up and the air feels tense with the questions of what should be said, I wonder if its a good sign, if whether you’re just feeling the same way I do. Sometimes I just don’t have words to say to you because I am truly at a loss of words toward you, when finally presented with the chance to see you.

The last time we met up, there were things I could have said, things I could have done…but I hesitated — we’re both so busy with school, and you weren’t exactly handling your load of school that well, so its pretty inconsiderate and selfish of me to really do anything that would jeopardize our academics. But then I wonder again if we could really wait until we’ve finished completing our undergrads, wouldn’t we just be consumed by the pressures and stresses of our respective workplaces?

If there’s one thing I had learnt…it was to wait, to be patient, to pray fervently and truly wait. I had a couple of friends share with me the meaning of waiting, in the Biblical sense, with David’s example of waiting on God: he chose to wait, and waited, because he knew God would fulfil what he was waiting for. He waited out of knowledge that God would definitely answer him, in whichever way God would.

I don’t know if I can wait, I hope I can wait though. I hope for a lot of things, like not doing stupid things, or sometimes just to take bigger leaps of faith/chance. Do these leaps of faith/chance, like making bold statements or saying bold things to you in an attempt to advance something, be like trying to take whatever is planned into my own hands? My hands would fail…it will definitely break anything it touches, and maybe so would your’s, but this is all part of waiting.

There’s one thing I know for sure though, despite how weird and/or funny it seems: you’ve made me twitch, and continue to. Every time my eyes hurt because of the Bell’s Palsy, I am reminded of how worked up I was over asking you something the night before my last final, and woke up with the bugger. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming you! This could probably be a sign? Or not, and I’m screwed for life.

I’ll choose to wait, because it means something WILL happen, whether it brings smiles or tears.